the girl with the [hope] tattoo: a before & after story.

Three years ago, I emotionally "crashed" for the second time following a period of depression as a result of an unhealthy relationship & break-up.

At the time, I was working & living in N.E. Iowa. I, again, drove myself to the E.R. & spent the following three weeks living with my brother's family in Waverly [50 minutes from my "home"] while going through an intensive outpatient group therapy for 3-4 hours every morning.

One morning, the therapist led us through some guided imagery as an example of a strategy we could use in the future...

We closed our eyes. She read through a very calming script, which included a point when we were to touch the underside of our left wrist with our right hand while imagining a positive thought. This would be our go-to at times when we were feeling anxious, depressed, sad, lost... Just close our eyes again, touch that spot & daydream positive thoughts. I am a very sensory & symbolic person, so I really liked this practice of mindfulness that included touch.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I've always wanted a small tattoo, but, a.) I didn't want a random, impulsive permanent branding on my skin that I would later [or, immediately] regret, & 2.) I have ZERO tolerance for any physical discomfort & all who know me, know that's no exaggeration.

During that guided imagery, the positive thought I used was my nieces. So, I originally had wanted to get an uppercase "E" in a decorative font, with a little "2" for E-squared - representing the first letter of my nieces' names [Elsie & Emerson] on the underside of my left wrist. Then, over the last several years, I have really embraced the word "hope" as a result of my self-reflection, healing, life's challenges, & mental illness. I knew my nieces would always be there & I would never forget that. I, instead, wanted a daily reminder that "there is always hope" & that with a permanent "hope" tattoo, I could literally "never lose hope."

Last Thursday, I conquered my fear of pain, practiced what I preach [step outside your comfort zone], & leapt into the YOLO zone...

 

 

 

I forgot my anxiety meds & my friend who was going to join me & brave my death grip during the process, was unable to come. I had to battle the wimp inside me... I was already on that side of town, & knew that it was now or never. So, into Bombshell Tattoo, I walked. I was grateful that I had a good high school art buddy [Derek Hutchison] as my tattoo artist. He was someone I trusted & who was very understanding about my concern.

 

After I showed him two designs I was considering & explained what I liked about each font, he worked his artistic magic to come up with one that I loved, as well as one, that as others viewed  it upside down [I wanted "hope" facing me], it still looked pretty. :)

 

Another artist was in there as well & so, I kept myself busy talking with everyone before & during the process so I wouldn't think about it. A short 5-10 minutes later, I was done. I could officially never lose hope & I was both excited & in total disbelief that I was brave enough to follow through! It was half the pain I expected & good that I anticipated the absolute worst pain, because then, although it definitely didn't feel good, it ended up not being as bad. It helped that he only tattooed a little bit at a time [not one continuous line], that it was small, & that it didn't have color. A pharmacist earlier in the day almost ruined it for me when she described it as a bee stinger being drug across the skin. Dude, that's NOT what you say to a person who's about to get their first tattoo & hates pain!

 

The story doesn't end there...

 

Later that night, after taking off the bandage to wash it for the first time, something happened I totally was not expecting. I looked at it & felt an anxiety attack coming on... HELLO?! That was supposed to happen before & during the tattoo, not after it was finally done.

 

Although difficult for those who've never experienced anxiety to understand, it relates to a couple of my triggers. I suddenly felt a loss of control & the "trapped" feeling. I was excited & had no regrets, but it was a freak moment of realizing its permanence!!! To make matters worse, it took me furiously looking three times through spaces in my house to find my anxiety meds. =S

 

I laid down, did my Deepak Chopra/Oprah 21-Day Meditation Challenge of the day, & repeated the mantra of "this too shall pass." It didn't help that I was physically exhausted from golfing 18 holes that day & mentally exhausted from the tattoo. I thankfully eventually fell asleep rather than having a full-blown panic attack.

 

I've experienced a few more instances of anxiety the last couple days, but it is fading as I get used to it. Because, after all, there is always hope. :)

 

 

robin williams: a man more than his suicide.

I am sad.

A man of extraordinary talent, a father, a friend, & a compassionate, selfless servant to many community causes has died...at his own hand.


He died because he felt so trapped by life...by depression...by his own inability to control overwhelming darkness within his mind. That's what is the saddest part of all, like any suicides ...that even though he was loved, DEATH felt to be is only cure for such indescribable pain.


Robin Williams has always been one of my favorite entertainers both in film & stand-up comedy. I especially liked Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poet's Society, Patch Adams & Aladdin. He was so versatile in his career. He made me laugh & smile. His roles in GWH & DPS inspired me. So, within the next couple weeks while I'm off work, I will honor & celebrate this legend's life by re-watching these movies. I will also continue my fight against the mental illness stigma & advocate for better & more mental health care.

As a person who has a history of suicidal thoughts & aware of close friends/acquaintances/students who have attempted, but thankfully failed, it hits me hard. I, to an extent, understand his feeling of drowning in a black hole of hopelessness despite external love & support. It is an uncontrollable urge that cannot be explained. This leads me to the fact that...

I consider myself more spiritual than religious for a variety of reasons. I will eternally believe in God primarily because of the following:
1.) The miracle of conception & birth. Yes, it is biological, but I think often that it is SO amazing that I was once a mere egg & grew inside my mother's body?! Like, Holy Crazy Batman. There has to be some Divine intervention goin' on there...
2.) Step outside. Away from the city. Go to the forest. Sit in a kayak alone in the middle of a lake & just look around... Nature is God's creation in its purest, most peaceful form. My piece of Heaven on Earth.
3.) Back to the aforementioned point... I wholeheartedly believe & felt God & my guardian angels [I'd like to think Grandma & Grandpa Poore] were behind that steering wheel the two times I drove myself to the E.R. instead of acting on my horrific thoughts of ending my life. I am forever grateful!

So, with that said & somewhat in response to the variety of conversations surfacing on the Interwebs & media...

I repeat, Robin Williams was:

More than his disease.

A remarkably talented entertainer.

A father, friend, & colleague.

An activist & philanthropist.

A giver.

Courageous.

An inspiration.

A sports fan.

...he just happened to be one of millions of adults who struggled at times with addiction & severe depression.

Just because he committed suicide, Robin Williams was NOT:

A coward.

Selfish.

Going to Hell.

Stupid.

Possessed with demons.

Below are links to a few articles that I find particularly share-worthy & a quote from each...

Suicide contagion and social media: The dangers of sharing 'Genie, you're free'
"Moutier is referring to a well-documented phenomenon, better-known as “copycat suicide,” in which media coverage or publicity around one death encourages other vulnerable people to commit suicide in the same way. Adolescents are most at risk of suicide contagion; in recent years, groups like AFSP have also become particularly attentive to the role the Internet plays in romanticizing notorious or high-profile deaths, something it has long asked both the new and entertainment industries to avoid."

What the Church & Christians Need to Know About Suicide & Mental Health
"We’re the people who say: “there’s no shame saying that your heart and head are broken because there’s a Doctor in the house. It’s the wisest and the bravest who cry for help when lost...
There’s no guilt in mental illness because depression is a kind of cancer that attacks the mind. You don’t shame cancer, you treat cancer. You don’t treat those with hurting insides as less than. You get them the most treatment.”"

Robin Williams Death: The Difference Between Depression & Normal Sadness
Depression: Tragically Misunderstood
"In contrast [to sadness], clinical depression often persists for months on end, and a friendly word of support is simply not enough to loosen its suffocating grip. That's where the tragic confusion ensues. For when those suffering from depression confide their diagnosis to friends and family, they're often met with relative indifference, born of the assumption that the patient is afflicted with mere sadness - a condition from which they can quickly and easily recover."

 
[Sidenote: During my struggle with depression & anxiety, I was once told by someone very close to me to "just f*ckin' get over it!" Although, I understand that it is hard for others who have not experienced it to understand, I could not simply just snap out of it. I wished it was that easy. I didn't enjoy being depressed. If someone you know is struggling & you aren't sure how to help, seek resources from NAMI, or other organizations.]

How can YOU help me fight that stigma & advocate? JOIN my Team H.O.P.E. [Hang On, Peace Exists] at the NAMI Iowa Walk Saturday, October 4 in West Des Moines. It's only 2 hours of your time. If you can't make it, a donation would also greatly be appreciated. To register or contribute, click here. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

"Carpe diem." - Robin Williams as English teacher, John Keating, in Dead Poet's Society. Seize the day, dear friends, seize the day!

And, please remember, there is always HOPE.



nurture our nature.

This topic is something I've pondered for quite awhile now as society continues its discussion & controversy over sexuality - specifically on whether a person is born a certain sexuality, or if it is a choice. I thought I'd share a little bit of my non-expert feelings after doing some reading about it...

First of all, here are a few interesting research excerpts from Psychology Today & the Harvard Kennedy School's LGBTQ Policy Journal:

"These authors point to a biological basis for sexuality rooted not necessarily in genetics but rather in brain functionality, as programmed by responses to maternal hormones during early development."

"Attraction is not only unconscious but also largely physical. There is actually something called “erotic imprint” which is the unconscious part that guides our attraction. Our erotic imprint is literally “imprinted” in our psyches when we are young—at the age when we begin to notice and be attracted to the opposite sex. As I mentioned, this is largely an unconscious drive."

I also understand that gender identity, sexuality, attraction, & the emotion of love are all different. ...but still overlap in their "application" in life.

So, I think about my personal experiences with feelings & emotions. And, since we're all human, I'm guessing many of you also operate similarly...

We experience sadness, anger, happiness, fear, etc. just like we experience emotional love & desire. It is our psychological & biological reaction to a situation, person, place, or thing. Of course, our behavior in how we expose those feelings can be learned & controlled to a certain extent [mental illnesses could be an exception]. And, I can hear those who oppose homosexuality saying that it IS a behavior, therefore a choice...

That's where I think of past relationships... The psychological emotion of love & feeling of attraction...just happens. I'd have been saved a lot of grief if I could actually turn on or turn off those feelings that were not reciprocated and/or in a relationship that had to end for other reasons.

We are biological beings & to expect any being to not want to act on what naturally occurs within their mind & heart is like telling me not to cry when I'm sad... And, I'm sure we've all seen what happens when a person buries his or her feelings of sadness, anger, or depression for too long.

Below is a compilation of still shots I took from a very insightful & brilliant sermon given by Matthew Vines, which I recommend you watch on Upworthy here.

On a somewhat unrelated point regarding nurture vs. nature, why would a person choose to be something that will unfortunately bring them discrimination or hatred by others? There are individuals who sadly choose to commit suicide because they fear that life & that makes me hurt. [Check out The Trevor Project].

I will continue to encourage friends, family, colleagues, students, neighbors, children, & hell, even animals, to truly & unapologetically LIVE who they really are & know that like any emotion or feeling, it is okay to openly express it. Let's be decent, compassionate human beings & nurture our nature!

from drab to fab.

Last week, as I was re-reading a post from my old blog, I came up with an idea that I'm now on a mission to explore how to make it happen!

So, before I share my idea, below is an excerpt from that post following my arrival at the E.R. in January 2009:

* * *

Honestly, the experience was somewhat surreal & very much felt like I was cast in a reality t.v. show, much like Big Brother because of being locked in one space with a group of strangers as diverse as a Manhattan McDonald's. I only wish my terrible thoughts & feelings had been part of a script!

...It was pretty much what you'd expect of a psych ward & ironically, exactly opposite of what you think would actually help a depressed, suicidal patient recover.

One bone I have to pick about my please-save-my-life hospital arrival is the fact that I had to be "interviewed" with 3 pages of questions by 4 different people - the E.R. nurse, E.R. doc, admitting nurse, AND the social worker...all while in a mind-set of "I don't feel like talking. Just leave me alone before I grab your ink pen & stab myself!" I mean, seriously folks...it's 2009, get a more efficient system in place for our poor depressed, panic attack souls!

I walked into a completely empty room - only a white bed, dresser & an empty closet-looking thingamajig. There were no photos on the walls, no lamps, no t.v., no radio, no chairs. Their only effort in trying to add some sort of soothing design to a room about to be occupied by someone at their lowest low were light-blue painted walls & a large window. Oh yeah, & outside our room, hung a sign that said "Catch a Falling Star."

It didn't look like a hospital room - it looked like a dorm room from WHU [Welcome to Hell University].

The hallways always appeared dark & there was a large lounge area with the one t.v, puzzles, games, books, crafts, refrigerator, etc. This was shared by the rest of the depressed, angry, frustrated, hopeless "Real Psych Patients of Pott County" cast...of complete strangers.

We had to be in street clothes in order to be outside our room [of course nothing with draw strings], so again, unlike a normal hospital wing, we didn't wear robes. We had no access to any of our belongings unless we asked& were with a nurse.

...It was frightening at first. I felt as though I couldn't escape - all the doors, including the elevator were locked. Visiting hours were only 3 hours of the day & even the nurse had to let them down the elevator. It was too quiet to sleep in my room, so I asked the nurse for a portable [wireless, obviously] radio. For most of my time there, I could not eat more than a couple bites...I felt hungry, but I just couldn't eat - it was very bizarre. Depression also takes its toll on a person physically. I could have been released one day earlier, but I lacked confidence in entering the world again out of fear that my thoughts of suicide would return. Although I was glad I stayed that last day, I didn't get much sleep. Some old lady who should have been on a different floor kept yelling "HELP! ... HELP ME" down the hall all...night...long. Not only was it annoying, I'm in a psych ward, that shit freaks me out!

* * *

What do I want to do? I want to call hospitals to see if [with a little help from my friends], could volunteer to paint murals of HOPE with happy colors glowing throughout the dismal, depressing hallways of psychiatric units. It could be there is a reason why they appear the way they are, but maybe it's also because no one has initiated interest in it. When it comes to trying to inspire others, it never hurts to try... just like Ghandi's quote: "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Although I was an art major who hated her Color Theory class in college because of the limited freedom for creativity & monotonous assignments, I'm pretty sure I recall the psychology of color & what's currently being used in hospitals just doesn't scream, "be still...be comforted...have hope...you are a person of worth...feel better soon."

So, that is what I will be looking into while off work next month!

behind the title.

From 2008-2010ish, I wrote 529 posts in a now-closed blog. It went from being solely a creative, healthy outlet for my overactive mind to a powerful healing tool that also inspired Internet friends from around the world. Over the last few years, I have had the strong desire to write again & am flattered by others who have encouraged me to start again because they apparently enjoy my insight on the world and life - despite my quirks & sarcasm. It is true that my passion glows from many of my social media posts, but sometimes what I have to share is just too lengthy to describe on those platforms in order to not completely annoy the hell out of my "friends." ;) So, for those who are crazy enough to want to read the musings that sometimes keep me up at night: Welcome & thank you. Please reply with a comment if you have a blog to share with me!

Regarding the actual title of this post, there are many reasons why I chose There Is Always Hope as the title of this new blog. Some of you who have known me for awhile may already be aware of the "back story," but others may not. As a result of various life experiences the last several years, "hope" is the cheese to my macaroni, my only absolute, & my favorite word.

Below is a glimpse into some of what led me to "hope" & the need to believe in it, as well as share it with others:

• Unhealthy, emotionally-taxing marriage, which ended after nearly 6 years in 2009.
• Breaking my arm that same year.
• Driving myself to the E.R. as a result of thoughts of suicide twice.
• 3 1/2 days spent in the inpatient psychiatric unit & 3 weeks of outpatient therapy.
• Multiple episodes of major depression.
• The most indescribable experience called a "panic attack."
• Living with an anxiety disorder.
• A rollercoaster of relationships since my divorce.
• Loss of friendships.
• Loss of close family members.
• My dad's open heart surgery and troubled health.
• Other family major illnesses.
• Previous job challenges.

But, because of the above experiences, I have...

• become a stronger, happier person knowing "this too shall pass."
• focused only on what is in my control.
• become understanding & accepting that mental illness is not a character flaw.
• one who inspires others by openly speaking about my experiences.
• become okay with seeking help.
• learned to not take life for granted - to truly live in the moment.
• acquired more independence.
• done a lot of self-reflection.
• become more mindful.
• learned to unapologetically be myself.
• followed my gut instincts vs. my heart in regards to relationships - recognizing red flags.
• gained more willpower.
• learned what I deserve, want, & need.
• exercised regularly - something that keeps me going physically, emotionally, & mentally.
• conquered fears.
• learned that ultimately "there is always HOPE."

I am thrilled to report that although life will never be perfect, over the last 3 years I have become the most content I have ever been in my adult life. This includes being free of major panic attacks & depression. I am eternally grateful for the dear friends & family who have loved & supported me unconditionally, which played a big role in me getting to this point in my life.

I once was lost, but now am found. :)