the girl with the [hope] tattoo: a before & after story.

Three years ago, I emotionally "crashed" for the second time following a period of depression as a result of an unhealthy relationship & break-up.

At the time, I was working & living in N.E. Iowa. I, again, drove myself to the E.R. & spent the following three weeks living with my brother's family in Waverly [50 minutes from my "home"] while going through an intensive outpatient group therapy for 3-4 hours every morning.

One morning, the therapist led us through some guided imagery as an example of a strategy we could use in the future...

We closed our eyes. She read through a very calming script, which included a point when we were to touch the underside of our left wrist with our right hand while imagining a positive thought. This would be our go-to at times when we were feeling anxious, depressed, sad, lost... Just close our eyes again, touch that spot & daydream positive thoughts. I am a very sensory & symbolic person, so I really liked this practice of mindfulness that included touch.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I've always wanted a small tattoo, but, a.) I didn't want a random, impulsive permanent branding on my skin that I would later [or, immediately] regret, & 2.) I have ZERO tolerance for any physical discomfort & all who know me, know that's no exaggeration.

During that guided imagery, the positive thought I used was my nieces. So, I originally had wanted to get an uppercase "E" in a decorative font, with a little "2" for E-squared - representing the first letter of my nieces' names [Elsie & Emerson] on the underside of my left wrist. Then, over the last several years, I have really embraced the word "hope" as a result of my self-reflection, healing, life's challenges, & mental illness. I knew my nieces would always be there & I would never forget that. I, instead, wanted a daily reminder that "there is always hope" & that with a permanent "hope" tattoo, I could literally "never lose hope."

Last Thursday, I conquered my fear of pain, practiced what I preach [step outside your comfort zone], & leapt into the YOLO zone...

 

 

 

I forgot my anxiety meds & my friend who was going to join me & brave my death grip during the process, was unable to come. I had to battle the wimp inside me... I was already on that side of town, & knew that it was now or never. So, into Bombshell Tattoo, I walked. I was grateful that I had a good high school art buddy [Derek Hutchison] as my tattoo artist. He was someone I trusted & who was very understanding about my concern.

 

After I showed him two designs I was considering & explained what I liked about each font, he worked his artistic magic to come up with one that I loved, as well as one, that as others viewed  it upside down [I wanted "hope" facing me], it still looked pretty. :)

 

Another artist was in there as well & so, I kept myself busy talking with everyone before & during the process so I wouldn't think about it. A short 5-10 minutes later, I was done. I could officially never lose hope & I was both excited & in total disbelief that I was brave enough to follow through! It was half the pain I expected & good that I anticipated the absolute worst pain, because then, although it definitely didn't feel good, it ended up not being as bad. It helped that he only tattooed a little bit at a time [not one continuous line], that it was small, & that it didn't have color. A pharmacist earlier in the day almost ruined it for me when she described it as a bee stinger being drug across the skin. Dude, that's NOT what you say to a person who's about to get their first tattoo & hates pain!

 

The story doesn't end there...

 

Later that night, after taking off the bandage to wash it for the first time, something happened I totally was not expecting. I looked at it & felt an anxiety attack coming on... HELLO?! That was supposed to happen before & during the tattoo, not after it was finally done.

 

Although difficult for those who've never experienced anxiety to understand, it relates to a couple of my triggers. I suddenly felt a loss of control & the "trapped" feeling. I was excited & had no regrets, but it was a freak moment of realizing its permanence!!! To make matters worse, it took me furiously looking three times through spaces in my house to find my anxiety meds. =S

 

I laid down, did my Deepak Chopra/Oprah 21-Day Meditation Challenge of the day, & repeated the mantra of "this too shall pass." It didn't help that I was physically exhausted from golfing 18 holes that day & mentally exhausted from the tattoo. I thankfully eventually fell asleep rather than having a full-blown panic attack.

 

I've experienced a few more instances of anxiety the last couple days, but it is fading as I get used to it. Because, after all, there is always hope. :)